Misbehavior translated
by Cindy Myska, co-founder of DailyHap.com and mother of two, circa 1991.
Lyssa was a bright and responsive toddler. She had a voracious appetite for learning and was always eager to do as I asked, seldom misbehaving. She was very excited about life, and alive with a desire for discovery. So, it was easy to see that she withdrew slightly, becoming pensive and anxious, the first few days after we brought Jordan home from the hospital.
I asked her if Mommy and Daddy were giving Baby Jordan too much attention. I had barely uttered the question when two-year-old Lyssa sputtered out “YOU, Mommy!” A little surprised, but grateful for her responsiveness, I continued to talk about how I was missing her, too, and how hard it was for me. A discussion was borne and we sorted out a lot of things that night. Lyssa’s joy and delight returned, and Baby Jordan became a welcome addition.
It is not so difficult to nurture Lyssa when the symptom of her frustration is withdrawal and pensiveness. But when she misbehaves and my Tiny Wonder becomes uncooperative and demanding, it becomes a more difficult version of the same story. My wonderful, sensitive child seems suddenly to deliberately try to provoke me. In my sane, rational moments, those few times when I am not overwhelmed with working, feeding, cleaning up, and keeping up, I can think about nurturing. I become aware that her deliberate misbehavior has the same basis as withdrawal and pensiveness.
Misbehavior is always indicative of new, unexpressed thoughts and feelings going on inside herself. Most often she is unable to express what she is feeling. She does not have the language abilities to express herself, and therefore must slam down her toy, or hit, or pour out her juice to say, “I am angry!” when she cannot. Being uncooperative and stubborn can say, “I am sad,” or “I am worried.” Provoking anger in Mom is a way of saying, “I do not understand what is happening!”
But when I am in the middle of the misbehaving, terroristic behavior of my two-year-old, I have trouble remembering that she has feelings!
When Jordan was just two months old and Lyssa was two years old, my husband left for a 12-day trip. The trip was somewhat related to business, but it was certainly not necessary that he go on that particular trip at this particular time. I was not pleased that he was leaving me with a newborn and a toddler, to go on a trip he did not HAVE to go on. I was still involved in managing a real estate company, and was probably also suffering from then-unknown post-partum depression. Nonetheless, I intended to be my usual capable self and handle the responsibility just fine.
It was not an easy time. After just a few days, Lyssa, who had gotten a lot of her father’s attention while Mommy took a greater share of newborn Jordan’s care, began misbehaving at every chance. She threw tantrums, and would not cooperate with me at mealtimes, bathtime, anytime! This was so unlike my sweet-natured, responsive child that I was caught off guard. I was at my wits’ end physically and mentally.
One night when she was particularly uncooperative, purposefully spilling food and hitting things with her toys, I grabbed her and spanked her. I had never spanked her before then (and have never since then), and it shocked both of us. I fell to the floor beside Lyssa and cried, and told her that I was sorry I spanked her, and that I was just having a hard time, and that I missed Daddy and was mad at Daddy for leaving.
She put her arms around me, stuck out her little bottom lip and said, “Me, too, Momny, I miss Daddy.”
It struck me like a bolt of thunder. Of course, Lyssa missed Daddy. Of course, of course, of course! She just did not know how to say it until she heard me say it. And so she expressed her frustration and her sadness by being fussy and uncooperative. And what’s more, she was having to put up with a post-partum depressed mom who was feeling pretty frustrated herself, alternately missing Daddy, and then being angry at him for leaving. And further, Lyssa was still in the throes of dealing with having to share attention with her newborn little brother, which was made more difficult without Dad’s extra attention.
Of course, she was fussy. I would throw a tantrum too, if I were her!
And so I began to talk with her about how we both missed Daddy, and how much she liked having Daddy to play with her and how I liked having Daddy take a few night time feedings with Jordan. We discussed how Mom did not function very well without enough sleep. We discussed how happy we were to have Jordan, even though it was a little tough at times. We discussed all our feelings and amazingly, my little uncooperative daughter transformed before my eyes to Mcmny’s ally, as we promised to try to help each other through the rest of Daddy’s trip.
I shiver when I think that I could have simply left Lyssa with a spanking for her misbehavior. Instead, we were both left with a better understanding of ourselves and our feelings, and best of all, Lyssa was given a new set of words, and a new freedom to express what she is feeling.
I try to always assume now that EVERY misbehavior by Lyssa is indicative of some unexpressed feeling, usually fear, sadness, or frustration. When I remember this, the next step is to make sure that I am “safe” for her, that I am willing to NOT judge her feelings, and that I am willing to patiently help her find some kind of language to express herself.
Whether Lyssa could talk very well herself never seemed important, nor did it matter whether she could “really understand” what I was saying. She always understood as much as she needed to, and that was usually more than one might think. The tone of voice, facial expressions, attitUde, and hugs that I used while talking also conveyed that she was understood, even if she could not immediately use language to express herself.
I try to seldom, if ever, “punish” for misbehavior. Instead we talk it out.
I talk about what has been happening and explain what frustration feels like.
I think of what might be bothering my child and suggest my thoughts, watching for a reaction. Sometimes I ask her to color her feelings onto paper, or paint a picture of how she feels. I tell her that I know that something is bothering her, because I know she would not throw her milk otherwise. I talk, talk, and hug. I have finally learned that misbehavior is a request for help.
My Tiny Terror IS a Tiny Wonder. She is a Tiny Wonder requesting help with her feelings in the only way that she knows. It is a request that requires understanding and talking, not punishment and strong words.
Image: Lyssa & Jordan